The year of the pandemic, relationships of all dynamics had a mirror placed before them to see if, in this generation’s unique time in history, we’d all sink or swim.
Like relationships, many people and children found themselves confronting their mental wellness during this first year of lockdown. Well, when it comes to my best friend of 10+ years, both circumstances came into play.
We Were Soulmates
My best friend and I met during our adolescent years and through hardships, we grew fiercely close. As bright-eyed, young women in our early twenties, we had that youthful perspective of what our forever friendship would look like. We’d declared we were soulmates.
As with any friendship--especially the close ones--the years came and went testing our bond. After a few almost complete breakdowns, we pushed forward and refused to let go.
By my late twenties, my mental health significantly declined. I was still unfamiliar with the common terms regarding Behavior Health so most of my fight was in silence. Of course, as my moods got darker and my dependability almost non-existent when I was down, our friendship felt the strain.
Then came separate states. We had to, once again, hold on through the dreaded long distance.
Our Achilles Heel
Our thirties snuck up on us and distance was more common due to living in different parts of the United States. It didn’t help that we both have never been fans of chatting on the phone and they weren’t particularly big on chatting via social media like I was. Suffice to say, the distance wasn’t only physical. But as time continued, somehow, even with long stretches of silence, we’d get those Facetime calls in, and be right back to where we left off on 3+ hours later.
Friendships that start when you’re younger and carry with you into adulthood sometimes hold on to those same youthful tendencies. Possessiveness tends to be one of them.
“No one can be the best friend but me,” you feel. That post they did with their roommate in the other state that had the hashtag #Bestie on it brings up an ugly green monster you didn’t know you had in you.
Suddenly, you’re riddled with anxiety on whether or not you’re being replaced. Has the distance been too great? Are we losing our flow? Is someone else being a better best friend than I am?
Juvenile as these thoughts may seem, I’ve seen the countless memes that support this state of mind.
2020 -- The Litmus Test For Relationships
2020, the year that rocked the entire world--literally--came and out went my mental health, as did many others. With it, my friendships went to the wayside.
Right before that, in 2019, we were reunited for two weeks. We went on to live it up during that trip. We drove and stayed out of town, explored the nightlife, as well as experienced my day-to-day here at home. We’ve lived together before so those two weeks were a breeze when it came to sharing a small space for that long.
After the reunion trip, something began to settle in that made me feel uncomfortable.
This reunion showed me something and that something was that we had obviously grown up and become different people. My inner child that wanted her and her best friend to remain soulmates forever felt appalled by this new realization. If we weren’t the best friends we’ve always been then what were we?
After the trip, time and distance became too much near the end of 2020 and if I thought we were different people in 2019, I was drastically someone else after 2020. The beautiful thing is that I was embracing who I was becoming, struggles and all.
With life changes, relationships come and go. There’s nothing wrong with that; in fact, it’s actually healthy. During this lifetime, we will have people cycle in and out of our lives and they will leave behind experiences, lessons, and memories.
And when it came to my best friend, if I wasn’t going to be able to continue the friendship as it was without compromising my boundaries then I had an important decision to make.
I Had To Break Up With My Best Friend
Now, why such a drastic conclusion? At the time, there was fear of bringing up how I felt without the end of that conversation turning out to be an all or nothing conclusion. How does one bring up that they feel their best friend and them aren’t who they used to be and because of that, not knowing what the friendship could look like going forward? That felt like a very serious conversation to spring out of nowhere.
So, as 2020 did its thing--making life overwhelming every other day--I took the coward’s route and just allowed distance and silence to grow. It Didn’t help matters that the year was testing my mental health along with everything else.
Finally, after much time passed, the day came where I knew we needed closure. We were adults after all. Believing our only options were to be “in” it or call it quits, I made the phone call and prepared myself for the official breakup.
I am oversimplifying the entire situation but for the sake of this article, those details aren’t necessary.
A New Path Forged
Turns out, they weren’t ready to say goodbye, and truthfully, even though I had already mentally prepared myself to close this door for my mental wellbeing, talking it out and finding understanding on her side, quickly changed my mind.
We had a very grown-up epiphany. Why did it have to be all or nothing? What if we chose to redefine the friendship instead?
At this point, a year had passed since we last communicated. The grief and anger led to acceptance and we were at a place to have this conversation. Time allowed us to also let go of what the friendship used to be and look at it through fresh eyes.
I may have lost my childhood Bestie but I was gaining a friend with a firm foundation set on maturity for this next chapter of my adult life.
The Media’s Unrealistic Education for Relationships
Since childhood, media defines for us what different aspects of life should look like, only, as we age, we contend with those parameters as they don’t seem to be one-size-fits-all.
Society as a whole fell into the same education so some tend to reject the different perspectives determining various circumstances, such as best friendships.
May we all find permission within ourselves and within our relationships to redefine what we were taught they should be. As a society, aren’t we already doing that; evolving?
It’s time to be authentic to who we are, how we feel, and meet ourselves where we are.
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