The old, copyright-riddled thumbnail was of different types of couples, at varying relational stages. It always gave me a chuckle.
The premise of this idea came from a deadbeat, male character who proceeded to tell a “confident” woman in a film that, “Every woman chooses the love life she has.” She was not pleased with that remark and to be honest, at first, neither was I. I thought, “That’s ridiculous! A woman doesn’t choose to be single and lonely, or cheated on and used, or not have her/his/their “prince charming!”
Time passed and as I unraveled the concept, it hit me. This deadbeat, male character was actually right. As women, we do choose the love life we have--perhaps, not the one we want but the one we have.
For instance, let’s start with me.
As a woman, I start with the spiel, “I don’t want to be alone, and not in a relationship. I want to find that someone. It’s these guys. They’re this or that, or they typically like this and that, or that decent looking guy didn’t flirt with me. Why?”
How is this the love life I have chosen to have?
I have always wanted the real thing, not what we see in rom-com movies. I wanted the chivalrous, charming, loving, full of integrity, man--not boy--of valor and virtue.
Editor’s notes: Take into account I wrote this in my early 20’s.
A man who would stand up for me, fight for me, die for me, (these were totally lyrics) love and cherish me and never want anyone else from the moment he realizes he loves me. The idealistic but real happy ending where we kick and scream and fight and mold each other from our differences and yet balance each other perfectly because of them. The stuff we were created for. And settling is not in this girl’s vocabulary.
So funny enough, just yesterday (back in the early 2000s), I was thinking, “What's wrong with me that guys don’t seem interested or even curious?” I instantly stopped myself and started asking:
“Wait a minute. Is there even a guy you’ve seen that you’re interested in?
No.
Is there a guy you’ve spotted that seems grownup, and worth it as of now?
No.
Then, why are you beating yourself up and placing someone else’s timeline and expectations on yourself?”
I realized that I was currently still single because I made that choice to wait. I chose to be the girl who’d wait and not settle for anything less than the best for me which is what I was created for. That was my personal choice.
Growing up, most hetero girls wanted the idealistic “Prince Charming;” the one who would be there till the end, even more in love than he was when you both first said, “I Do”. But as we grew up, life brought the good and bad circumstances that molded us, which in turn, changed our wants and desires.
Some found themselves constantly with the deadbeats who don’t really care. Eventually, they both get tired of each other’s failed expectations. Others find that the bad boy seems to bring a thrill that makes mundane life at least feel varied every couple of months or so. If you’re smitten and attracted to men who bring excitement and a fun mystery to solve, then awesome! Do you. I get it.
Just know that the mystery dies, attraction varies in personalities, and behind the pretty mural curtain lies the true piles of baggage that first impressions--that last for months even--hide with Glade plug-ins that mask the smell!
And when expectations fail once again, we need to ask ourselves, if this weren’t the love life we wanted, why make the same choices that led up to where our love life currently stands?
The decisions we make towards hetero men as hetero women and what we allow them to get away with is the reason for the love life we have chosen to have. What do I mean by, “get away” with? Are we allowing our significant others to dishonor our values, our nature? Do we allow them to think it’s okay to manipulate, lie, cheat? People of all relational dynamics, treat us the way we let them treat us. We choose.
As women, we’re quick to put all the blame on men but we, as women, are in full control of how we allow others to value or devalue us. Are we being honest and clear about what we want or are we scared and just playing along with the dating game? Did you openly express you weren’t interested in only being fuck-buddies? Why are we later surprised by their lack of exclusivity?
In the end, the truth of life isn’t defined by absolutes but it’s fun food for thought to think about, I thought.
Every woman chooses the love life she has.
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